I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
where are my eyebrows?
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