im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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