I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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