Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sext me about skeletons
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
