I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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