Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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