I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
