Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
