If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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