Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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