Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
