You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
