Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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