fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
