Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
