Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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