glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
