Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
