think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
