i jhust puked up my retainher.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
