apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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