I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..