Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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