I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
