Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
