I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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