i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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