I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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