I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
