So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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