He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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