nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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