I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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