If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
