I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
