Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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