Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
