we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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