I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
