and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
