Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
