those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
