He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
