My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
