the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
