K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
