the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
