BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
