i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
