Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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