this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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