Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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