I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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