omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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