We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
