Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
