I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
