This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Found the puke drawer
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
