I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
