Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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