I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
